A Grand Father

 *This is the eulogy I wrote on 10th March, 2019,  for my maternal grandfather who passed away on 1st Feb, 2019.

Thatha and Me, 1986

It’s my 34 th birthday today and until last year,I used to share it with a man who has affected me in a profound measure. He is my role model, inspiration, guru and grandfather, a GRAND MAN – K.R.T. Thatha.

My ‘Ammamma veedu’ was just a stone’s throw away from my home. As a toddler, I was playing in the verandah with my kitchen set. Someone ran at the cue of the car horn, to open the front gate. As the Premier Padmini arrived at the portico, the conversations of the family members and bickering of domestic helpers dumbed down as an acknowledgment to his presence. My grandfather composedly gets out of his car, adjusts his veshti and proceeds towards the house. With an instant dash of excitement, he says, “ Eyyyyyyy……. Sinna kuttyyyyyyyy”, acknowledging my presence and participates in my pretend luncheon.

*————-*

My elder mama was the swaggiest of the household. There was an Alpha-ic air about him. He’ll skip down the stairs from his room, skate to the sofa, sit on it, take charge of the remote control and rest his feet on the tea table one on top of the other, that was his power pose. I was six or seven years when I too, like my mama, sat that way. But I also did something that he wouldn’t dare to do – sit like that in my thatha’s presence. I was warned that it is very disrespectful but I couldn’t see how. After all, thatha would only tenderly take my feet onto his lap, admire my long toes and lovingly pull each of them to snap my knuckles.

*————–*

He stylishly reclines on his side of the bed to read in his room , the other side is strewn with all possible tamil magazines and fiction novels published at the time. His favorites were crime thrillers and Junior Vikatan but there were also comics like Mayavi and Ambulimama that we kids could feed on. He did not speak to us much, never hugged or kissed us but we loved to hangout with him in the quietude.

He loved his Thayir Saadam and Mor milagaai, he spoke mindfully. Servants sped like bullets at his every beck and call, Mamas usually stood up while talking to him. All in reverence , never in terror. He was like an elephant, mighty and gentle.

These were my earliest memories of him.

*—————*

I was Nine years old when his 60th birthday was celebrated on a grand scale. Someone had gotten a biography of sorts printed about him in a good number of copies. Since we shared the same birthday, my younger self thought that our lives are bound to be the same too. So, I curiously read it to discover many cool things about him that serve as life advice, assurance, benchmark and guidance to this day.

As an optimistic 9 year old with limited world view, I thought his ‘Rags to Riches’ story was one hell of a life adventure to live for. His humble background and being orphaned/ abandoned at an early age didn’t allow him to complete even his primary education( much to his disappointment) but he had developed quite a big business all by himself, was great at managing finances and was influential in the society – for a child who felt so straitjacketed in school, this taught me that good grades were not the only way to get to a respectable place in society. His employees held him in high regard as he was an empathetic boss who started his life as a bus cleaner,later became a driver  & mechanic and is now where he is. It gave them all hope and faith in life. He has sponsored education to the children of many of his relatives, employees and any random person who came to him asking for help.

Wow! He was a Superhero! An underdog who who fought against all odds and made everyone take notice. A no – nonsense man who was a role model to many. His Life was like those Rajnikanth movies and it took off 17 years before Rajnikanth was even born.

*————–*

Teenage years are when you question everything about the world as you know it. We understand that there is a grey area and try to see the good side of the bad and wonder if good is entirely good. I had heard only good and great things about K.R.T. thatha, was there anything bad about him? Has he been cruel to people? Were there any shocking secrets about him? I had spent half of my days in Trichy in ammamma’s house only, I’ve seldom seen him shout at anyone or be rude, I have not heard anybody speak ill of him. He alternates between smoking cigars, chewing paan and having a glass of whiskey before bed time. He is a regular at his recreation club where he plays cards and drinks. These were what I saw as the bad in him. But, as I was also questioning whether what the society considered bad was entirely bad,I realized that he had kept his smoking and drinking habits at a limit that never affected anyone in a bad way. So was that really wrong? I couldn’t say so. Was there anything else bad in him? I couldn’t find any, to this day.

*————*

I had gone to ammamma’s house one evening; it was Ayudha Poojai that day. I was 24 then. Thatha was at home and was not keeping well. A father (in his late fifties) and son( in mid twenties) had come to visit thatha. There was a breezy delight in the atmosphere, like that of old friends meeting. The man handed over the prasadam to my grandmother; both of them fell at my grandparent’s feet to take blessings. They had a warm and sincere conversation for a while and left. Upon asking who he was, my grandmother said that he was an old employee. I have hung out in Thatha’s bus shed and know all the drivers, cleaners and mechanics but have never seen this man. Ammamma further elaborated that he was one of the first few employees and thatha had set up a business for him. If an employee was hardworking and had the caliber, thatha would buy them a bus/lorry and ask them to run their own business. All such employees have prospered and they visit him in his office every Ayudha Poojai to offer Prasadam and take blessings.

That was something new that I came to know of him after all these years, encouraging an employee like that and making him an equal. It’s a fortune for the employees at any given time. But when thatha did all this in the 70s, 80s and 90s, Tamil Nadu was not as developed as it is today. There were’nt any IT companies, poverty and unemployment were common place. From being desolate to running a transport company that gave jobs to many and further pushing them to flourish and create jobs for many more…….. was profound economic reform. He has set up businesses for many of his relatives and their children too, all of them are independent business units and thatha never interfered in their functioning or claimed credit for all that. That is selflessness of a different level.

*————–*

I had painted a heroic picture of him in my mind, we all have. But I was ever curious to know what life was like, for him. Whenever he was alone and at leisure, I’ve thrown random questions at him trying to penetrate into his mind. His answers were like a telegram message, short and to the point. As my father jokingly says, “ Thatha hates to waste words”.

# Me: “ Thatha, did you want to become rich? Were you ambitious or did you get rich by chance?”

Thatha: “Your grandmother was a good and hardworking woman, we had become a family with your mother being born. I wanted to give my family a comfortable life.”

Mind voice : he only aimed at a comfortable life, not to be rich as he is now. The eldest child, my mother, was born when he was 28 years old , he married a year prior to that. So, until then he was only trying to make ends meet and had no plans for future.

In his times, men married and became fathers in their early twenties. I learnt that thatha went to my great grandfather asking for his daughter’s hand, all by himself because he didn’t have any family/ relatives to take charge and initiate marriage talks on his behalf.

# Me: “You increase the amount of money you allocate for charity every year. Doesn’t that affect your personal expenses?”

Thatha: “My income only keeps rising as I give”

Mind voice: That teaches a lot of things I can’t put in words.

# I can’t recollect what I asked him but he must’ve been in a mood to open up and gave me a totally unrelated answer (something about working hard) and nothing could’ve prepared me for what followed.

Thatha: “I used to work two continuous shifts as a lorry driver. Any time I felt tired or sleepy during the night shift, I’ll slit a green chilly and rub it on my eyelids. They’d burn and water all night and keep me from falling asleep.”

As he was saying this, his throat got lumpy, his voice shaky and his eyes were welling up. There was , for a brief moment, a boyish tenderness about him. A dense layer of grief was weighing me down. He took a deep breath resuming normalcy and I felt sheepish for making him feel that way. Neither of us spoke a word and went about our business.

I often recollect that incident. I felt sad that life was hard for him and he couldn’t enjoy simple pleasures of life like sleep, which costs nothing. Although, I wondered, why was he sad about it? For a successful man in his seventies I had expected him to look back at his days of hardship and revel in a sense of accomplishment. Has he not moved on? I can say for sure that he has. Perhaps, certain feelings were never addressed.

From the time his grandmother passed away when he was 10 to the time he got married at 27, for a good 17 years, he was alone. I have not heard of anyone who was a part of that period of his life. He was sent off to work because nobody wanted to keep him. In his ‘ kallai thinnaalum serikkira vayasu’ there was nobody who asked him if he was hungry. Nobody would’ve asked him if he was tired or whether his body ached. Despite being a good student, he was deprived of even basic education, that might have smashed all hopes one can have for a safe future. Coming to think of it, the conditions in which he grew was ideal to produce cold criminals.He could’ve quit on everything, succumbed to alcohol addiction and become a vagabond. Contrarily, he was focused, worked hard and improved himself in every possible way; but there was nobody to pat his back, appreciate his efforts and at least for the sake of it, say that he’ll become a great man someday. His only chance of belonging in a family again was by marriage and that didn’t happen till the time he thought he was worthy of it and gathered the courage to go propose it himself.

Things eventually turned out great, but he didn’t know it would, back then. He stayed strong and braved it all, some kind words and sympathy could’ve cooled down the insecurities and hopelessness boiling inside. Avvaiyar says that ‘Kodidhu kodidhu, varumai kodidhu; adhaninum kodidhu ilamaiyil varumai’, I think what is more terrible than that is when nobody cares that you are suffering.

So, maybe he was, at that moment, his younger self wishing that someone would take him in their arms and say,” Oh! My dear. Was life bad to you? That’s okay, it’s all over now. You were a good boy and did great”.

But who really knew what all he went through to pacify him like that?

Nobody!

*————–*

For the past 7 years, my son has accompanied me on my visits to ammamma’s house. Thatha has greeted him saying,” Eyyyyyy… Gupta jeeeeee”, the same way he used to say ‘sinna kutty’. I was particularly surprised at how my son too liked to lie on his bed next to him and just be. I wish I had met him one last time or spoken over the phone before he expired. It was relieving to know that he passed away in his sleep, he deserved the comfort of a painless death. I couldn’t bring myself to shed a tear at his funeral, I loved him dearly but I couldn’t cry.

In his last years, he seemed content and was gradually detaching himself of all commitments. That’s a graceful way to die - noted.

He’s fathered four good children, all of them comfortably settled in life and have brought up/ are bringing up their own children well. He’s left behind lot of assets and lots more punniyam for us to benefit from. He guarded his words, kept his promises and paid on time, there by teaching us important lessons on (kshatriya) dharma.

Can anyone live a life fuller than this? No, I’m afraid. So what’s to cry for? A standing ovation is in order.

“Thank you thatha! We want to follow your footsteps”

*——————*

At some point, as I was writing all this, a thought popped up in my mind as a convincing answer to the ‘good/bad’ speculation of my teenage. I don’t think thatha ever allowed himself the luxury of choosing between being good and bad. He was only trying to chase away all negativity that dogged him for a considerable part of his life – poverty, despair; and simply fill his life( by giving to others) with what he wished somebody gave him – compassion and empowerment. It was an inside endeavor. Makes sense, he grew up to be resourceful and powerful enough to change the world around him , make it glorious and peaceful and then went back to the young boy inside of him and say, “see…. The world is a good place after all. It is not as wretched as it appeared to be back then”.

We have all been hurt or faced difficult situations in life, consequently we become bitter about something or someone. As a coping method, we withdraw into our comfort zone. That, in my opinion, is where the difference of self and other is born. But , if we can just hang on no matter what, not succumb to making judgements yet and just give our best at all times, we might someday acquire enormous power to slay the inner demons that plague us. We can change our lives and the world around us into a peaceful sanctuary ( in other words ‘ammamma veedu’) where everyone is accepted, loved and nourished. That, I think, is a fantastic, most beautiful final lesson we can all learn from him.

I take that as his birthday gift to me.

Happy 85th Birthday Thatha.